Blog about all things lifestyle, home, fashion and being a woman.

The last 20 years and me

You may have noticed I have been a bit absent. I have been suffering from my mental health. 10 years ago on Christmas night. I was raped. It impacted me then and now. Yes, it has been 20 years. Yes, every year it gets easier but for some reason, it has hit me like a ton of bricks this year.
I really struggled with the new year. I found my thoughts turned dark and I wanted to curl into a ball and hide. I feel lucky to have made it this far. There were times in the last 20 years I thought I would not be able to continue living.

Let's start with the first few years. I had little to no support after the crime. Not from my family and not from the police. I lived very rurally and to go to a councillor would have been a 3-hour trip each way so 6 hours in total. My family was not willing to do this. You see my attacker was in my family. They wanted it all to disappear. I left home as soon as I could and moved to Edinburgh. to go to college.  I moved in with family But once they got sick of me.  I moved into a rented room. Here is where I found a love of food.

In Edinburgh, I drank too much dropped out of college and started acting. I need to block out my feeling and pain. I felt I was the problem. Here is where I really realised I was on my own in life. Over the next few years, I gained a lot of weight and tipped the scales at a size 24. Food filled a hole inside me.

I was struggling badly. I decided I needed to move closer to home. I enrolled in acting college and moved back up north. The next few years I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. This eventually ended with him cheating on me with a schoolgirl. I was with this person for over 5 years. I lost 7 and a half stone at the end of this relationship.

I had a wonderful friend at this time and she picked me up and helped me get on my feet again. I went back to partying. I got a new job in the police and I finally felt ok. Here I met my now husband and my life was finally getting better.

I went into the police as an officer from a civilian in the police. everything was great until my tutor got a new job and I received a female tutor who went on to bully me. Badly about being dyslexic. I went into a deep depression period. I could not leave my house.

The Christmas before our wedding. There was a huge fall out with my family. After years of no support I finally with my husband's help got rid of them out my life. This made me very ill.

My husband got me a dog. She changed my life. slowly I got well. I left the police. We moved house.
I started blogging.

I have so many things to celebrate in the last 10 year, But mostly it is finding my husband. I am finally loved. I still have a lot of wobbles and I always expect him to leave me. But he is my saviour. I have learned to love myself more. I am slowly getting better at this. This will be an ongoing thing for me.

I can not stand all the fakeness around the holidays. So many people with perfect lives it is intimidating. Except everyone I know does not have perfect lives. They are real. But they post the best of themself online. I will never be that person. If this post does not show that I don't know what will.

I am a rape survivor. I am a cheating survivor. I am an anxiety and depression survivor. I am a self-selected orphan. I have survived when the odds were against me. I am me. I am weak and strong. I am real. I am not Instagramming perfect I am honest.












Be First to Post Comment !
Post a comment