It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. This is the time of year you are meant to be happy. The forces happiness season is upon us. Come on paint on that smile and get festive. Well, I am here to tell you it is ok to not be ok at this time of year. If you have been following me for a while you will know why I hate Christmas. If not you can read the post called the last 20 years. There are lots of reasons people do not like Christmas and it is perfectly ok to want to curl up in a ball and want to hide under you duvet.
It is funny isn't it at this time of year the pressure is on to be the happiest version of your self. To well show no weakness or vulnerability. For me, Christmas represents everything I don't have. It floods me with memories of the night in question or Christmas with the family who abandon me. As soon as that first Christmas song hit the radio I am triggered. Enter the nightmares the random flashback and the feeling of doom. Yes even after 20 years I still get flashbacks. I don't even know If they are flashbacks manifestations my mind has made up or dreams. Either way, they happen.
One random but maybe interesting fact about me I have a fear of the snowman from the film. The song creeps me right out as does the whole film. I know what you are thinking but no this has nothing to do with the rape. I have had this since I was very young. I am not sure if I believe in premonition but maybe my mind knew to hate something about Christmas and this was it. But whatever it is I can not stand that song or the film or anything to do with it. I once worked the snowman ballet at the theatre and some of the staff would torture me about it. Even making me go on stage with 8 of the bloody snowmen as they rehearsed. To say shock therapy did not work would be an understatement.
We do not have to love Christmas we are allowed to feel bad. It is ok that it triggers us. No matter what your reason for having a bad taste in your mouth about the festive season I am here to tell you it is ok. Especially this year. Most of us are not seeing our loved ones and everything that was fun about Christmas has or will be cancelled.
I am not saying I do not have a nice time with my loved ones but I am saying it is a struggle for me. I find it all just a bit hard and harder as I don't want to explain to people why it is hard on me. I mean its not an appropriate conversation with my in-laws. Hey, I want to cry today because 20 years ago I was raped and my family have always been let downs but used this as the perfect excuse to get rid of me. it's just not going to happen, is it?
What I now do is not put any pressure on myself during the festive season. I do what I want to do. Yes, this year is not ideal. But I still feel blessed I have people around me that love me. I use the festive season to feel how I feel If I am sad that is ok. If I am happy that is ok too. Because this is my life. I need to live it for me and feeling my feeling is an important part of this. I dont think I will ever properly heal from my past but every day I get stronger and heal a bit more.
If you are needing any help or need to speak to anyone check out these helpful sites they have helped me in the past.
I want to take a minute to say If you are reading this I want you to realise it is ok to not like or love Christmas no matter what your reasons are. No matter how big or how small your option and your feeling matter. You do not have to paint on a smile. Why should you. Be you! you are strong! You are allowed to feel bad. It is ok to not be ok. It is so important if you are struggling to seek help. Please if you are struggling to speak to someone. If you do not feel comfortable to speak to a family member check out the links about or contact your doctor. You are worth it, you are loved and you matter.
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